I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.